Helens Blog

So busy, no time to write yesterday!

Hello again you, glad you are sticking with me and have come back to find out how I am. Actaully I am doing absolutely fine. I hope you weren’t too worried when I didn’t update yesterday, it was because I can feel my life returning and I want to make the most of feeling this good after the rubbish of the last 10 days.

Friday, well you know about that day, and as for Saturday and Sunday I did spend the majority of the days in bed. This included more “Silent Witness” (goodness this series is a bit gruesome), more Kindle reading (can recommend “When God Was a Rabbit”), magazine reading (getting the background to “The Voice” and being inspired by BBC Good Food) and, of course, eating. I did make it downstairs for dinner each day (roast chicken on Saturday – thank you Joanne x) but other than that I felt safer upstairs. I knew if I tried to relax on the settee then Sam would be wanting cuddles and I would not be able to ignore the tidier/organiser within. Even when I came downstairs to make a cuppa, I found myself taking the boys water bottles out of the dishwasher, until I got shouted at!

One thing I must share with you all is about my good friend Caroline H, who I have known since the age of 11. She lives quite a way away and feels that she is not much use for the day to day practical help, so she has made it her mission to keep me laughing throughout this journey. I must admit she is very funny generally and her comedy feint has to be seen to be believed. She emailed me a picture of herself, with the idea to enter my funky hair competition. Well if it was that sort of competition she would win hands down. I could not stop laughing on opening her email, it’s not rude, just a bit naughty and she really doesn’t mind me sharing. If you want to see her individual take on the competition then scroll down to the bottom of this post, particularly if you have had a bad day and need a laugh to cheer you up. Dont say I didn’t warn you though! Thank you Caroline, it really made me laugh so very much – keep them coming although I am not sure how you will top this!

On to Monday – went to the hospital to get the portacath flushed but it was just too tender, The nurse did redress my wounds and made them look less scary for me and the boys. All healing well. Made it to toddler group, just in time for coffee and cake (how do I do it?) then home for lunch outside. The sun felt so good after all the rain. Today I managed two school runs, a trip out to see chickens, bantams, chicks, horses, fish, dogs, a cat and oh yes my friend Tamsin (and her dad). Tamsin was looking gorgeous but not quite as sleek and her picture due to the return of the rain. Tesco shopping done and dinner cooked. A normal day, one which would not stand out against all the other normal days, but it felt so good to be functioning again, to decide to do something and do it. To feel like I can decide things again. I know it hasn’t even been a fortnight and I can hear you saying how well I am doing and to give myself a break. Thank you my friend, your words do ring in my ears when I find myself tiring and I will call when I need you. Conversations I have had recently have reassured me that we are all useless at asking for help and all very very good at offering and giving it. That is the sort of person you are. I know that if I were you and I was reading this then I would want to be asked because that would make me feel like I was a little part of what made you better. You are there for me and I will ask because I can not do it alone. We are journey together and when I get stuck you’ll be there, either pulling, pushing, offering advice, googling ways to get out, analysing the problem, or laughing with me to take my mind off of it! Thank You xxx

More presents tonight. The postie must think I have an extended birthday. Gorgeous scarves and hair pieces from my mum (in-law) and nan (in -law) and the most fabulous
boxes of choclates from my friend across the seas, Thank you Terri x, you are all so very thoughtful with your gifts. If anyone can show me how to tie scarves around my head so they don’t fall off I should be greatful. Hair still intact at the moment…

I shall say goodnight my friend as I can feel the eyes aching and the shoulders slouching. Unless anything to report I shall not be writing until the end of the week. Rest assured that I have a busy week, catching up with you and enjoying my life. Please enjoy yours too.

lots of love

Helen xxx

PS Caroline’s photo! Let’s have your comments please, hope it makes you laugh as much as it does me and puts a smile on your face, especially if it has been a trying day xxx

…Doing absolutely fine.

When someone asks you how you are, the stock anwer is “fine thank you”. Variations on this theme include “not so bad” and”I’m ok”. That is even if an answer is required, as more often than not it is purely a conversation opener and there is no real desire from the asker to know the ins and outs of your health and well-being. Eye contact made, sentence spoken, conversation continues.

Since being diagnosed and telling people that I have cancer I have noticed a change to this age old custom. Askers can be divided into two camps, the ones that want to know and the ones that don’t. This may seem over simplistic and a little harsh but it is not meant to be. The askers that want to know are the ones that follow up the inital enquiry with “well what about when..” or “you were just going to have…” because they remember what the last update was (however received) and want to keep uptodate. They stop to listen and want to know more. The askers who appear as though they don’t really want to know, avoid eye contact, keep right on going on with their day and conclude by saying “well if you need anything…” and leave it at that.

I have thought a lot about the second group and realise that it isn’t that they don’t care or don’t want to know, it’s just that they haven’t the time right then, they can’t deal with anything difficult I might bring up because of their circumstances, that they just don’t know what to say or don’t want to upset me. I would like to reassure anyone who has ever felt in the second group, whether through me or someone else, that that it is absolutely fine. You have your busy lives to lead, just because mine has veered off into unknown territory it doesn’t mean yours has to be dominated by my circumstances. I know you care; I want you to be busy and continue to lead your normal lives, keep me uptodate with the gossip and yes ask me how I am in passing. If I give the custom answer then it is up to you to delve further if you wish, and if you don’t, for whatever reason, then that is fine too. I suppose what I am saying, in a roundabout way is, please continue to ask, be prepared for a non-tradtional answer. It doesn’t matter if you can’t find the “right” words, there are none. I then know you are there for me and can take your love and support with me towards the next hurdle.

Well how have I been….? The answer is fab! I have had energy levels near normal this week, although they have faded into the evening, even earlier than normal. Lots of coffee and cake this week with friends, toddler group, the school run and a trip into town to get some presents. The mundane is reaasuring, the normal is a pleasure. Catching up with your life is what I have missed whilst being stuck indoors. It is great being able to play with Samson again as well. He is such a little poppet and a bundle of energy that I have found hard to match.

Lots of superb pressies again this week. I am going to do another page on inspirational present ideas. You are so good at thinking beyond the flowers that I want to share the ideas. For instance Carol O sent Paul and the boys joke books full of one-liners. They make us chuckle and groan, but they boys are reading (oh yes), expanding thair vocabulary as we explain homophones etc., I am giving them attention without exhausting myself and we are laughing together as a family, something that has been lacking recently. Thank you Carol. Food, chocolates, cards, letter, teddies, scarves and so much more. Thank you, thank you, thank you, your generosity is amazing xxx

Paul is back at work, which has given him a sense of normality, and a chance to get out of the house! His work have been absolutely fantastic and have agreed time off whilst I am undergoing treatment and a shorter working day on other days. I couldn’t have wished for more, and we certainly need him here.

Last thing to say is about the “Race for Life” even on 1st July. Ali W has set up the registration for team HelenB. I would be so very delighted if you would join my family in raising money for all those who follow along my road. Ali says it so much better than me so click on the tab underneath the dolphin photo and register today. Female and males under 12 can register but all males welcome to the picnic afterwards and to audition to be my carriage bearers (ala Cleopatra) so I can survey the scene and cheer from on high!

Another long one my friend, hopefully not too many spelling mistakes. I do proof read but always find some more a week or so later. You are kind enough not to point them out though. “Toy Story” is on and potty training has commenced so I had better go and deal with any fall out (no pun intended!).

lots of love to you, have a good bank holiday weekend. Expect the next one on C2 day when I’ll be a quarter of the way though and hopefully not being sick.

You are a star, keep on shining for me and all those around

H xxx

Things not gone to plan but could’ve been worse…

Real mixed emotions today. It started off so very well with my oldest opening presents and cards as today we celebrated his arrival 10 years ago. It was lovely to see him pleased with a toy we had bought him and plan what to spend his money on. So very proud of him.

Esther (been friends since nursery) drew the short straw today and picked me up at 10.30 for C2 day appointment. We put 3 hours on the car and hoped we could donate the rest of the time to someone coming in. I love doing that, it makes me feel like I get one over on the system. Got called in at 11.15, fantastic, we’ll be done by just after 12. Probably miss sandwich lunch but not to worry.

Nurse located portacath, that I had previously covered with magic numbing cream, and it should have been all systems go. Twice she tried to pierce it with the needle, then the other nurse had a go. Unsuccessfully. They thought it may have turned under the skin and they were going from side to side rather than front to back. It hurt only a little bit but where they were pulling the skin they wound was sore and uncomfortable. Bearable.

Two options:
1. Have an X-ray to check position of portacath and then turn it, if possible whilst still under the skin. Would mean no treatment today.
2. Try again with the cannula to get a vein in my arm.
Well as I have said before the only thing worse that having it done is not having it done. You spend the the day before both dreading and looking forward to it (once more, once less) so I opted for 2.
Absolutely no joy though, 2 hours later, 4 attempts by two nurses, multiple bruising and soreness and STILL NO BLEEPING CANNULA! Esther was fantastic throughout with supplying sweets, a magazine to distract me, and a firm (if a bit sweaty) hand to squeeze. And it was squeezed almost out of shape by the end of the ordeal. Big Ted and Little Ted were on the side, willing my veins to open up but no luck.

One more try in the portacath was offered, I hesitated, then Esther persuaded me to give it one last go. ” Look at Jude Law” she said. This then inspired my acapella version of”Hey Jude”. One verse and much soreness later I received the good news that it had been successful, blood was drawn which mean it was correctly located. Fantastic does not begin to describe it, relieved beyond belief that I wasn’t going to go home without treatment.

We were out by just after 2pm and home by just after 3 and that included a trip to the chemist for some more powerful anti-sickness and some arnica cream for my bruises. Thank you Esther, I could not have done it without you, you were an absolute star and I would have no hesitation in recommending you as a hospital companion. A true friend is there through thick and and thin and you certainly saw me at my lowest today and you offered to come back for more. Wow, I am lucky to have you in my life and to count you as my friend. Xxxx

Now…8pm, no sickness yet but feel queasy. Have had dinner and a rather good rhubarb crumble for afters. Sipping peppermint tea in bed, feeling drowsy and looking forward to “The Apprentice” and a good nights sleep. Will have the day relaxing tomorrow and hope to see friends for a cuppa on Friday. Will update you tomorrow on the contents of the bucket and the state of the hair. It has stated to fall out big time. Had it cut even shorter on Monday as it was so depressing. I wanted it shaved but Tracey convinced me to go shorter. Had good reaction so far but the next step it the hardest. See what you think

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No bad I thought, although I looked in the mirror and saw my mum staring back, not a bad thing but freaky when you can see the resemblance yourself!

Well my friend I will bid you adieu and Bon nuit, hope your day has been better than mine. 25% through, and 6 more “days” to go which doesn’t sound have a daunting as 6 months.

Thank you for texting this morning, the phone did not stop and it did make me stronger, knowing that you were all with me in spirit.

Love to you and yours
Your friend Helen xxx

This is such as hard thing to write. Sometimes the words flow, other time they get onto the page before I delete them and edit and today they seem to be stuck in my brain and I am not sure anything will make it to the page.

My brain is a fog, my heart is willing me to keep going but my head it standing firm and telling me to stay still. I shall write about the easy bit first..

The physical side is much much better today. I had nausea Wednesday afternoon and evening but still managed dinner and birthday cake. The new tablets worked and no sickness followed. The night was broken but good. Thursday was spent in my cave (bedroom) where I read (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) did puzzles (badly), slept (sporadically) and ate (fairly unhealthily). A good day. Friday was a visit from the star race for life organisers Ali W and Kate M, bringing with them washing hanging skills, new head covering and mini bites to snack on. Thank you ladies for your company xx
Did need to keep on running to the toilet but I think the less said about that the better. Very queasy stomach for the rest of Friday, and rested in the afternoon. Fantastic present from my dear friend in the north who must have sent the entire ginger range from a fabulous bakery – a real delight to open and share. Thank you Nicky xx. Today is Saturday and as I type the sun is shining, the birds are singing (no I don’t mean my boys!), a lovely lunch was was cooked for me all could be right with the world.

Now the crap that you may want to fast forward, although I expect you won’t as you are with me through this journey thick and thin. When I started this I wanted to be honest with myself with what I was writing, speaking you over a cuppa in our familiar haunt, putting the world to rights. To keep my integrity I have to document all of my journey as it will be a good place to look back on when the lows are negligible and the highs are so high that the top of them is way above the cotton- wool clouds.

Real downer yesterday evening. My little Samson (nearly 3) came into watch cbeebies whilst no2 was taken to football. When we got up for dinner he didn’t want to go downstairs and went straight into his bed, saying he was sick like mummy and didn’t want to get up. I can’t explain how deeply this upset me, knowing my way of coping is effecting him. He has talked out his “sore bits” on his chest and complains of a wobbly tummy “like yours mummy” but this just seemed so real. He’s a little boy and doesn’t deserve to have a mummy that can’t cope and sees her lying in bed as normal. Mummies are not unwell, they keep going and going and I just can’t. What long term effect will all this have on my children, my relationship, remains to be seen but any advice on how to minimise the trauma would be gratefully received. Am I blowing it or of all proportion? It takes me straight back to my own mum and seeing her so ill and I remember feeling the same, angry that she wasn’t there for me, nothing comes between a mother and her children, but this has.

Strength comes from so many sources. Thank you Gilly for being there on the phone 15 mins after the above. Your ESP is finely tuned and although you are not just up the road you are there when I need you. Really angry at myself for not handling things better with my better half too. I see fault when there is none, I see problems when solutions are offered. What is wrong with me!!!!! Thank you Lynne for your ESP too today, your message came at just the write time for me to express my feelings and receive your support. I really and truly do have very little to complain about.

My lovely friends at school are rallying around too and have offered to do so much. That is another one of my problems, knowing what I want (in order to tell others so that can plan and help) and being able to ask for it. Until you have been here you cannot know just how hard it is to send a message or pick up the phone. As I have said before I do not want you to delay plans or upset your family life. I am giving it some thought about positive action and will phone when I can speak a comprehensive sentence about what I/we need. You want to do something to aid my coping and recovery and I must let you as I do need you. You know 100% I would be there for you so I have to realise that you are there for me, truly truly humbling as you number so many who have reflected this through your thoughts, words and actions xxxx

Will sign off now as family time calls and my iPad is low on charge! No 1 has been round a friends house all afternoon, thank you Isamar xx, hope he has behaved. As for the rest of the family I’ll find out shortly.

Sorry not to be so uplifting today, I realise that I will be able to put in in the box marked ” bad days” and move forward, but it is like the thick ooozy mud of a favourite book of ours at the moment, a bit of it is still clinging on. Here’s to avoiding the hurling whirling snow storm tomorrow!

Lots of love and let me know how you have spent the rare sunny day today.
Your friend Helen xxx

Yesterday was not good, although from the outside it would appear so.

Steph (my extraordinary friend) came with me to a Fabulous and Beautiful day. I was really looking forward to it as it promised pampering, advice and support whilst drinking and eating, what more could I possibly want?

A warm welcome we found and we got settled. Then is all got too much. I don’t know if it was the side effect of the tablet I’d taken in the morning or it just all came tumbling down. I did not want to be there, in the room full of cancer patients. I started off this blog by saying I did not want this disease to define me, yet here I was actively seeking the ill people I wanted to avoid. Why should I have to be in a room with cancer sufferers? Don’t make me talk to them…don’t make me discuss my situation…don’t ask me questions about my issues…

The presentation started on raising issues on hair loss, weight gain, loosing bosoms and all the other areas that are red raw. I was shaking, no eye contact, kept myself focused on my tea and cake. Fine, I thought, deep breathing, get through this bit and you’ll be fine. Feeling ill, fuzzy head.
Then the presenter spoke about the fashion show in which people who had come though cancer were the models, the book of the show contained photos from another lady who had come though, and ditto with the journalist who had written the copy. This then did it for me, all these people had given so much and raised so much money had come through, and here was me feeling sorry for myself. The tears just kept on coming, made worse by the presenter drawing attention to me, asking if I was all right, hugging me (not helpful from her) and ordering another cuppa for me. All the right intentions but I just wanted to be in a corner by myself. Steph was marvellous and gave me a much wanted hug. Presentation over and self pulled together.

Next one was from an image consultant who was marvellous. Have a booked an appointment with her next week to through my wardrobe and decide what other items I need to look fab. Will be looking for some shopping partners! Then had my make-up done by a lovely beautician, others were having fingers and toes painted. Once again though the situation over took me and I just wanted to get out and not be in a room with other patients. I know I went there for support and advice and to talk to people who are going though the same but it was just too soon…maybe next time.

Consultant appointment, delayed, brief but all ok, then off home for fish and chips. Mood picked up after this and was able to enjoy the evening with the children. Not sure what started it all off, a really black cloud over my head but I have to put it in the box of bad days and onto the next one.

Today (Tuesday) headache, but definitely a green, red, white and blue play dough day today. Lovely parcel arrived from Clarey who assures me she sends me things for her benefit, and a hug from Chris and Bruce, thank you xxx. Resting at the moment and have started new book after finishing “The Curious Incident of the Dog in The Night-time”. Cheesy fish pie from Julie awaits and a reflexology session. I am so very very lucky.

Thank you for all your words of wisdom and comments from my last blog. You are so very wise and gave me the perspective I lacked that day. This is so powerful that it threatens to overtake at times and I need you to remind me I am greater than that and normal can be one million different things across the day.

Hair is going, going and soon to be gone.

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I do feel brave posting this, not sure I can post an entire bald look – what do you think? Would it upset you or reassure you? Let me know…

Well I’ve taken up enough of your time again. Please start or continue to post as often as you can.
Lots of love and here’s to a yellow day tomorrow
H xxx

Sitting here at my computer for a change, eating a rather delicious bar of Baileys chocolate (as supplied by Andrea) it hard to reconcile what a difference a week can make. I have just updated my funky hair competition page, which always puts a big smile on my face (please keep the entries coming, I know you are planning an entrance with yours) and the house is quiet as three out of four are at the cinema and the remainder is watching cbeebies. All is right here. Good job I can look back and remind myself how awful I felt and then can truly appreciate how much better I feel now.

A big big change has happened since I last posted but it was MY decicision, not the choice of the drugs or the medical profession, my head is hairless. Well to be more accurate it is very, very short, feeling a little like the seats you get on coaches, although not as stripey. Tracey buzzed me and I looked in the mirror and cried, not through shock (or horror) but with relief that it was done and that it looked ok. I won’t say good as I it wouldn’t be a choice I would make in any other circumstance, and as a fantastic friend that you are, it really would be going that extra mile if you felt you wanted to join the bald gang with me. However, in the situation that we find ourselves in, it seems pretty ok. Tracey reassures me I am lucky to have a great shaped head, with no lumps and bumps, and small ears. Guess you all can appreciate my ears a little more now!

Was so very brave today. Not that I would call myself brave really as to me bravery implies choice and I haven’t had many of those but today I did. Round to Helen G’s for tea and biscuits and halfway though the chat she says “What’s your hair like now?” “Do you want to see?” says I, “Oh yes please!”. She had been disappointed that I hadn’t worn my wig so I could toss it aside and have a good ol scratch, ala “The Witches” (I think that would be where the similarity would end!). Well I thought about it and decided I might not get another opportunity to get an honest opinion. So off came the scarf I had tied so carefully to reveal my nearly-nude head. No she didn’t run screaming from the room or fall about laughing, not that I ever thought she would but it was quite a moment for me. Compliments oozed from her lips about my headshape, before the question came “When you apply foundation, where do you stop?” We did have a giggle at this and other head decoration ideas (could be whole new business?). Thank you Helen for giving me the confidence to share my head shape and for making it seem normal.

Really enjoyed my reflexology session on Tuesday, the warm and tender hands of Pam worked their healing powers. Thank you Pam and thank you Kate M. Going to the Helen Rollanson centre tomorrow which is based up the road from here to find out about further treatments available. Going to get all that is available. Having a test of my energy levels tomorrow too as Samson has a music class and usually spends 90% of the time running. It will be the first one I have taken him to for weeks. I said Paul could still take him as he has done so well but mysteriously he has booked an MOT in for the morning…

Some very good news from the boys school, Thorn Grove. As the boys are running the “Race for Life” I wanted them to be in charge of their own sponsorship. It is hard to ask people for money so we are holding a funky hair day at school! We are so excited as each pupil can wear something different on their head, for a small dontation, that becomes the sponsor money for the boys. The boys can collect it and be in charge of doing something positive to help. I am sure it will be a laugh too. I am going to do an assembly to the whole school to raise awarness of the day, light-hearted, but getting the message across. It will be the first time I have been in front of a whole school in a very long time! Thank you Pippa for your help in this and everything else. It is so reassuring to know the boys are being supported and cared for.

What else…lots of good advice about not putting myself through the group session again, until I am ready. Going to take that on board. Cookies, chocolates, shepherd’s pie, cards, bookmark and smellies have all come my way this week. I know I said in the beginning that needed you with me for the long haul and you are there, letting me know through the blog comments, cards, phone calls, emails and texts on a nearly hourly basis that you are strong and you are there. I am sorry if I don’t always reply straight away (or at all, if it is a bad time), don’t take offence, and please please please keep them coming. I need you to tell the rubbish to and to enjoy the good bits and to keep me up with the gossip.

Glad the sun is shining for us, here’s to a good weekend, whatever you are doing (let me know). Next update next week, when I will be enjoying doing the school run, toddler group and catching up in person. Who is going to be next for the big reveal????

love to you my fab friend

Helen xx

…very busy, busy, busy.

Wow, I haven’t stopped this week and a bit, and feel utterly blessed to be able to write that to you.

I have just deleted a run down of each day, so you really and truly could know exactly what I have been up to, not quite minute by minute, but not far off. I deleted it because I felt I wasn’t doing each occasion justice to relegate it to a sentence or two. I have been amazed at my energy levels for the last ten days and have felt absolutely fantastic. It has been brilliant to see and catch up with many friends and family and to revel in the normality of life. Needless to say food does feature rather heavily in my week, finished off today with chocolate crispy cakes from Julie and cream tea in the garden, courtesy of Steph and Joanne. A huge, huge thank you from the bottom of my heart to you that have visited, emailed, wrote, sent gifts, cooked, beautified me, cut my “hair”, cleaned, played with my children, phoned, made me laugh and cry, sent positive vibes, made tea, provided venues to eat, prayed and have been here for me. There is no more I can ask of you, we are stronger together and I will remember this week through the nastier one ahead. This is what will get me through the next hurdle.

Well now something else you can do for me. (Yes I am getting better at asking for help and saying yes when it is offered). A group is forming to run the Race for Life on Sunday 1st July in Cambridge. It is open to all females and males if they are under 12 years old. It is 5km, about 3.5 miles in old money, and, typically me, a sumptuous picnic will be had in the park afterwards. It will be a really emotional event for me, to see you take part and push yourself through the pain, to achieve something not only for me, but for all who may follow. Please, if you can, come and walk, run or crawl your way around, it really would mean so very much to me. Register at
http://raceforlife.cancerresearchuk.org/choose-your-event/cambridge.html?event=362

Our group ID is AW40785.

T shirts will be sorted for all those registered, so please register by Friday 8th June, to give time for printing. Also the wearing of something funky on your head is necessary, even a bow or a clip, so plan that too!

Of course I realise other events will be happening on that day and many of you have already run in another event, but no excuses, the team need your support, so click on the link below and get sponsoring. We are going to smash the £500 target! Every little will help and it will help me encourage the crawlers to keep going on the day, knowing your hard-earned cash has been donated.
http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/team-helenB

Thank you to those who have already succumbed to my persuasion and thank you in advance to you who have just done so!

Well this week is C3 day, Wednesday at 10am and if all goes to plan A then I will be home by 11.30. Please no more pin cushion effect. My left arm still aches when I rub sun cream on it. I will get that checked but I am sure it is to do with the weakening of the veins, and that was just after one treatment! Ali W has been carefully selected this week as my companion. She did suggest I rate my companions but I really don’t want to have you all falling out and trying to out do each other. That would be a tad embarrassing, so I shall just mention that Esther did bring tasty sweets and a magazine that had Jude Law in…just for future reference…

Well my lovely, I hope the sun has shone on your week as much as it has on mine. Keep the home fires burning and I’ll be in touch after the next treatment to let you know how I am.

Lots of love to you and yours
H xxx

I’m on a high low!

High as the nurse (who wasn’t gay, who had his nipple pierced!) managed first time to use the portacath. Low as the chemo is having the effect of making me nauseous and the anti-sickness drugs are making me feel very woozy.

Was accompanied by the wonderful Ali W today, who bought a superb selection of magazines. Lovely to sit and chat about fashion, celebs and Jubilee cakes. Her hand was only needed once when the put the needle in and even that I didn’t feel. He did rather faffe around with the preparations, but he was busy. We felt very sorry for another patient who kept being told 5 minutes but had the time to read “Classic Car” and to start on “Golfer”. We didn’t offer to trade magazines!

This time I was in a different part of the ward, next to the windows so felt far less claustrophobic and all the better for not having to look at grey people. Has my regular weigh in, which is not at all positive. I know I have a bigger picture to think about but it is still hard to knowing that what I worked hard to loose is slowing coming back. Still I am enjoying eating what I fancy and little (well, a lot) and often seems to work at keeping the nausea at bay. (Have opened a ginger parkin and munching on biscuits of the same).

All went smoothly with the injections of the drugs, then the drip finished soon after. The worse part was the head numbness/wooziness/out of body sensation that happened near the end as a result of the drugs to prevent sickness. Very weird sensation. Would have been home earlier but was kept waiting for my medication to arrive. Probably could have collected it myself and left earlier, but we were in no rush so had more gossip time and they brought round lunch! Well you didn’t expect a whole blog without the mention of some more food!

Home by 12, so altogether a much better experience and turn around time. A big thank you to Ali who was an absolute star. Keeping me calm, supplying me with supplies, a handy hand (with limited rings to avoid squeezing injuries to us both) and maintaining waffle of the highest order to ensure I was thinking about other things. I could not have wished for more. Thank you, thank you my lovely lovely friend. Do not underestimate your help and support today. You chose to be there with me, giving up your time, putting in the energy I needed to face the treatment, knowing how rubbish it was going to make me feel, when I felt so well going in. You did that for me, without hesitation, and I am going to have to get my thinking cap on as saying thank you doesn’t seem anywhere near enough for you and Esther and all who have volunteered for future treatments. It takes a very special person to see someone you care about going through this awful treatment, at close quarters, and be strong. I am blessed to know you and be your friend (very, very glad you got beyond being scared at my scary organised box files when we first met!).

That goes for you too though. I am lucky to have met you, to know you and to have you with me on my journey. Writing the blog is so helpful for me, and receiving your comments aids my recovery no end. Please stay with me as I need you there every bit of the way. Remember to sign up or sponsor team helenb in the “Race for Life” as that will give me something to look forward to after treatment number four. That will be that last on on this lot of drugs, as they change and have just one drug in the next lot of four. My blood was just about ok this time to have the treatment so keep everything crossed for 20th June. Perhaps more chocolate would help….?

Went straight for a lie down after lunch, dozed a bit and read “Heat” mag, what a great afternoon. Head still feels as though I leave it behind when I move it. Hope that goes soon. Plan to hide up here until “The Apprentice” starts, although it does depend on what is for dinner. Think I could manage a jacket potato?

Well my friend I am going to move slowly to the lying position now and close my eyes, which, always makes typing tricky so I will sign off. You will be getting an update tomorrow on rest of post-treatment recovery as it will stop me from eating for a little while at least!

Lots of love, mini-squeezes and happy faces that there is no more yucky medicines for a while,
H xxx

Well I do know the answer to that one, with my rational, logical, advisory head on, of course I do. It’s the drugs, it’s the treatment, its this bloody awful disease.

I felt soooo well last week, the sun shone, my energy levels felt sky high and I was able to engage in normal family life. Two days post C3 and I am a wreak. I shouldn’t be. My logical brain says get a grip girl. You have just eaten a marvellous Bolognese sauce, hand delivered by Steve and beautifully cooked by Joanne (thank you both xxxx) and my little one is being bathed by my gorgeous and thoughtful husband. Things are brilliant on the outside, on the bits where you can see.

The contrast in my feelings are absolutely poles apart. I can remember the feelings of only three days ago and smile at my experiences but it is though they belong to someone else and I have read about them. I want to shout and scream one minute, then collapse in tears in a heap the next, then go into a tidying frenzy the moment after. This is helping, telling you, knowing you are reading, listening and sending me the positivity that I need.

One problem is that is it so very hard to know what I need; its not even the asking for help anymore (I’ve got better at that), just being able to think through what I need to make me better. Perhaps there isn’t any one thing. I must focus on the present, the moment, keeping my food intake consistent (as that always helps my moods) and bending like a reed in the wind (some very good advice Aunty P xxx). Clinging on to that thought and putting the picture at the front of my head, bright, colourful, peaceful.

Tomorrow I am sure will have ups and downs like today, and each day will have more ups than the last one, until I feel like I did a few days ago. It is so very hard to keep that perspective when I am in a down, thinking things will right themselves once more. I know they will, I truly know they will and this will be another time that I will read back on and think, “well I was in a state”, and find that hard to reconcile with the person I am at that point on the up. It does really help me appreciate the good times though, and I hope that you can do the same; the normality of the everyday, noticing the subtle changes that take place around us, and accepting the things we cannot alter.

Hears to tomorrow and the disappearing fog that clouds my brain, and the return of the appreciation of the sunshine that lights my life.

Til then my friend
H x

Could not have been much worse!

Thank you, thank you for all your communications through text, email and blog comments. I really truly appreciate them, everyone of them. I knew you were there and came through yet again for me. Just to reassure you I have been tired today but much less emotionally unstable. I made it out this morning for a brief trip in the car, then had a rest after lunch before dinner as supplied by Kate (xxx) and cooked by my wonderful husband. Things are much better, still a little foggy, but a whole lot better. Tomorrow might be better or worse but it is another day to greet and another lot of challenges to face. No plans for the jubilee, but there seems to be enough on tv to keep my up to date on all things royal!

Brief but to the point today, dear friend,

lots of red, white and blue love to you
Helen xxx